The first time I knew I was depressed was the first time I got high on marijuana. I was a highschooler. I was sitting in the back of a Honda driving through suburban Park City, IL. I knew I was there to get high. Five of us, passing a bowl while snaking through the suburbs. The high hit and I could think about was how sad I was.
I had been sad for at least six years, probably longer. From what I’ve read, cannabinoids can knock out enough of the brain noise that we might know where we’re actually at. Our brain produces cannabinoids naturally to help the brain filter. Additional cannabinoids could help this process.
The first time I knew I was anxious was the first time I ate mushrooms. I was in my junior year of college, and I ate ~½ an eighth. I didn’t feel anything until I couldn’t keep my head straight. We took an adventure out to the college track, meandered through the neighborhoods, zoned out at the popcorn ceiling, and realized that the elapsed time was thirty-odd minutes. My type-A mind was blown. How could so much happen in so little time? More importantly, how could it happen without my micromanagement?
The first time I knew the world we live in was incomprehensibly beautiful was the first time I did LSD. I was newly married, on a camping trip in the Uintas, and took half a tab. Just enough to make the trail sparkle. The greens were greener. The grays were grayer. The sunset made me smile.
I can’t say that I condone drug use, and I wouldn’t know that I don’t. Aside from coffee, I’m hesitant about stimulants. Despite the adverse effects on sleep, cannabis can be an excellent tool. Entheogens hold so much promise.
Just today, I’m reveling in the beauty, the coincidence, the magic in my daily life. Totally sober, seeing beauty and gratitude that I don’t naturally see. Circling back, some of this is my dystemia. My natural malaise. My persistent, low-level depression that hues the world around me. What evert filters I might carry, it’s what I see. Entheogens have made my world better, more relatable, more approachable, more endearing.
I’ve done all of this as an amateur—smoking or eating what is in front of me, which sounds as reckless as it is. I’m anxious to take a full trip with an intentional set and setting. To be guided into by depths, barriers, anxieties, and obstacles, to face the disappointment of my expectations. I’d like to see and walk through the darkness.
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